What is and what will never be
by fixusi
Summary: "I thought it was you I was following, but... it wasn't", he tells before I can answer. "It was Lucifer." I think I'm breaking every speed limit as I drive forward, but this is worth it. Sam is worth it. "He's not real, Sammy. Don't worry, I will find you in no time." Hallucinating!Sam and BigBrother!Dean. Rated T just to be sure.


**This is an oneshot. It was first a roleplay- thing in Omegle with some random person, but I really liked it so I decided to transfer it into fic.**

**Thank you SamWin98 for pre-reading (again!), I'd probably be dead without you. ;) You know, some geek Supernatural- fan would get mad at me because of my grammar mistakes and (s)he would kill me. Nice. :) **

**Disclaimer: Nope, don't own.  
Warnings: Spoilers for season 7**

* * *

_I'll be you, let's trade shoes  
Just to see what it'd be like_  
_To feel your pain, you feel mine  
Go inside each others minds  
Just to see what we'd find  
Look at shit through each others eyes_

_Eminem - Beautiful_

I sit in a lame bar lost in my thoughts. Bobby died. Lucifer is using Sam's head as a playground. Things couldn't be much worse. So I'm just sitting there, drinking bad beer and thinking. What else I could possibly do?

I jump a little bit when my phone suddenly starts to ring inside my pocket. I flip it open, not even bothering to read who is the one calling to me. There are not many options.

"Dean?"  
"Sam."  
"Where are you?"

Something in his voice doesn't sound right. He sounds scared. And that doesn't happen often.

"In the bar. Why, is something wrong?"  
"I, um, I'm not sure where I am", he says with a shaky voice.

I freeze. How did he manage to get himself into trouble this time? He sounds so scared it is probably serious.

"I thought it was you I was following, but... it wasn't", he tells before I can answer. "It was Lucifer."  
"Lucifer?" I ask. "Sam, what- wait. I'll come pick you up. Can you see anything that might help me find you?"

I stand up and start to walk towards the exit. I see my baby in front of me, and I sit in.

"Umm, well, it's hard to say but.. I think this is some kind of field. I don't see any sign's or houses, either."

I sigh. There are so many fields in this town that he can be anywhere. But I have to find him. I don't know what Lucifer tells him, but it sure isn't good. Sam is still so fragile and hurt.. he can't bear too much right now.

"And Dean... is this real?"

My stomach turns around with the thought of him being alone, hurt and scared in the middle of nowhere, not being to trust his own eyes.

"Sam, listen to me. This is very real. I'm real. This phone call is real. Just stay where you are. Can you turn on your GPS? No way I'm going to find you without it."  
"I, uh, okay. Wait a sec." The line is quiet for a heartbeat. "And- and don't hang up. Please."

"I'd never hang up", I start. "I promise. Can you see Lucifer right now?"

Sam doesn't answer immediately, I think he is turning on his GPS, but soon I hear his shaky voice again.  
"Yeah, I do.. It's disturbing. Anyways, my GPS is on now. Promise me you won't be angry I turned it off. He said you would be."

I start the engine. "Who? Lucifer? Sam, he's a hallucination. He doesn't know anything. I'm not mad, I'm just worried. Just stay there. I'll talk to you the whole ride, alright?"

I hear Sam taking deep breaths like he was trying to calm down.

"He says you really don't want to come, that you only keep it as your.. I don't know, responsibility or something", Sam says silently. "He says you don't even want to see me anymore after that- that Amy-thing. You know, when I left you. And please don't get mad, but I kind of think he's right. I'm stupid, I'm stupid and pathetic, even _I_ wouldn't want to be with myself!"

I feel like crap. It's so simply. I honestly feel like the worst big brother on this planet. I've said so much to him, so much things I didn't mean but never corrected.

"Sam, none of that crap is true! Yeah, maybe I was a little pissed but I deserved all of that crap you handed to me. Come on, Sam. Don't you talk like that. You know you are the most important thing to me. We fight, but it's normal, we're brothers, after all. And this life... it's hard."

Sam doesn't answer immediately. I hear him mutter stop, but he isn't talking to me.

"Dean, you know what? I must be the worst person in the entire world, but..even though mom and dad and Jo and Ellen and Bobby and friggin' _everyone_ died mostly because of me, because of I was _born_, I don't feel guilty. Because if I was never born, you wouldn't be my big brother."

I grin. Only Sam would say something so girly in a moment like this. And before I can say anything, he continues.

"And -gosh, this is so hard, _he won't stop yelling_- I just want to thank you. For always being there for me and.. you know. Always having my back, always trusting me."

I hate chick-flick moments. I really do. But today I am ready to say anything, _anything _to get him feel better. So I don't hesitate when I open my mouth to talk.

"Sam, stop it. Just stop it, alright? You are my little brother. You have always been and you will _always_ be. Of course I'll have your back. And I know we have lost almost everyone, but it's just one more reason to stick together. And I know I haven't been the perfect big brother. I have left you alone when you needed me the most." I sigh. "Just stay there, Sammy. I am almost there."

"You _are_ the perfect big brother to me. Don't ever forget it, okay? Not even if I..y'know. If something happens to me. I know how you hate this kind of talks, Dean, but I can't help it. He's laughing again. It looks like I apparently cut my hand a little too much..and it doesn't even work."

This time Sam sounds a little bit more like himself. He still sounds like a scared little kid, but something in his voice has changed. It isn't so weak anymore.

"Dean, please. Can you hurry? I'm sorry, I don't wanna whine but it's just..so...I just don't wanna be alone again."

"I'm driving as fast as I can, don't worry. I'll be there in five minutes. And stop it before you even start. Nothing is going to happen to you as long as I'm around. He _can't_ hurt you. He is just your imagination. Maybe a memory from hell. But the point is that he isn't _here_."

I try my best, but still I feel like he doesn't believe me. "You have to believe me, Sam."

"Oh god, I don't know-I think the grass's on fire. I'm not sure, I don't _know_, Dean, I can't know!"  
"A fire?"

Great. Just what he needs right now. We can't know if it's a hallucination or a real fire. Just great.

"Just get the hell out of there! We are not going to take the chance of it not being real fire, just run towards the road. Can you see it?"

"Um, ugh I guess? Wait a sec."  
"Just be quick, Sam. I don't want you to hurt yourself, not like that. Not in fire."

"Yeah, I can see a road, but it's far away. I- I don't think if I'm gonna make it, I mean this has to be one of Lucifer's lame tricks, but_ it won't let me pass it_! I, I uh. I'm gonna, um, I try to find a better place, without this fire and smoke and and- yeah."

"Be careful, Sam", I say to him as I drive. I think I'm breaking every speed limit, but this is worth it. Sam is worth it.

"I see a forest. It's safe there."  
"Go there, but don't go too far or we'll lost connection to each other. I'll come right behind you, you hear me? I can almost see the field I think you told me about."

"I found a good spot, I think. It's not far away from the field, I didn't want to risk anything. You know, going lost with Lucifer in the middle of a forest you have never seen before? Not exactly a party for me."

I laugh a little bit as I open my baby's door. "Sorry. I'm here now, just stepped outside. I can see no fire, though. So I guess it was just his trick. Can you see me?"  
"I- I dunno, I don' wanna look. I think Lucifer's eating a squirrel, I don't know."

I sigh and start walking towards the black forest I see a little bit further. "Okay, okay, just calm down. Here is no fire. And I see the forest you were talking about, but it's pretty big. Are you near the field or somewhere a little deeper?"

"Pretty near, I didn't walk much. Um, I'm not so hard to spot, I guess, so do you mind- I really really don't wanna open my eyes because then I see _him_ and he tells me you're not coming and _I just don't wanna be alone_."

My heart sinks. Sam is the bravest guy I've ever met, and he doesn't want to be alone? He, who ran away from his family at age 20? Who faces more nightmares in a week than normal people in their whole lifetime, he who has gone through heaven and hell, peace and war, love and hate?

That's not the Sam Winchester I know. I just wonder what Lucifer have said to him to make him so upset.

"Just stay where you are and keep your eyes closed. Ignore whatever he is saying to you! He's not real, Sammy. I will find you in no time" I try to reassure him.

"Okay. Okay, I- yeah. I will. Thank you. I'll then just...I'll just sit here and wait. Yeah."  
"Listen to my voice and relax. Remember, he isn't real. Did I tell you about the one time dad went to hunt and he left us alone? I know he left us alone a million times, but that time it was Easter. You were about five. You wanted chocolate eggs so badly I had to buy you them and hide them to your room, and-"

I stop when I see a little figure about ten meters from me. I know immediately who it is.

"Dean?"  
"I think I can see you."

Sam is quiet for a moment, and I step carefully forwards. After a moment he opens his mouth again. "Really? I..I think I maybe hear your voice. But I'm not sure, I can never be. It could also be Lucifer."

"I know I see you. I know it's you, because nobody else in this entire planet has a hair like you have. I could never be wrong about it. And there is no Lucifer, Sammy."

"Really? I-" he lifts his gaze up slowly. "Oh god. Oh god, Dean, I.." Suddenly he is hugging me like I was the last hope of life. I don't pull away. He needs this.

"It's you, it's really you. I almost thought it was just another trick, after all, and- it is you, Dean", he half whispers with a shaky voice. "He said you wouldn't come."

I shake my head a little bit. "I will always come. You know that."

And first time in a long time I see Sam smiling like he used to when we were younger. Before all this crap. And for a while it seems like he is happy.

**End.**

**I know the ending is a bit cheesy but I wanted it to end happily.**

**And I want to thank the person I was roleplaying with. He/she was such a good writer that I'm kinda jealous.**

**But thanks to _everyone_ who bothered to read this ! I hope you liked it :* Reviews are love! **


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